(no subject)
I have been absent from blogging for so long. Perhaps because I have nothing to say. My life has become a mass of confusion. I really don't know what to do.
Last night I learned that my uncles battle with cancer is over. There is nothing left to do except wait and hope and pray. I had almost forgotten how it felt to hurt this badly.
I know an uncle is not a parent, but he is like a father to me. My family is very tightly knit. I was raised by him. My heart broke when my dad told me. I sobbed for hours last night. I feel so helpless. My dad is breaking. My uncle is his best friend. He is close with all of his brothers but his bond with Al is special. My father has lost both of his parents, his wife, and is now losing his best friend. It is devastating. I am terrified that he will not hang on.
Everything will change now. I am praying, hoping, for a miracle. But regardless... I have begun to realize how short life is. It has sunk in that the amazing childhood I had is over, and that if I were to ever have children they will never know what I had. They will never have these people, not in the way that I did. They will never know the beauty and perfection of my family... and this devastates me.
Preet came to Melissa's wedding with me this year. When it was all over he said to me "you have a pretty special family" and it is true, but it is fleeting.
When my mom died, my uncle stepped up for me. My aunt & uncle were there for me in ways that I cannot even explain. I have no idea how to do this for my aunt, for my cousins. He is the glue in my family, I have a feeling this will rip us apart. My moms death made us closer, this will do the opposite.
I need a miracle.
Seeing him in the hospital, with all of us gathered around... was such a familiar scene. Now I am 23 instead of 14, but I remember it like it was yesterday.
I'm bracing for the world to shatter once again. I'm glad that at least this time I grasp it.
I've been avoiding all of my friends, and they are getting mad. I don't think they grasp the gravity of the situation. I cannot explain how important my uncle is to me, how watching him fade is devastating and heartbreaking. None of my friends have ever experienced loss, so how could they possibly get it? I don't expect them to.
This is life I suppose.
And what is life without struggle?
They say that these moments will make you stronger, and while i do believe this... I don't want to be stronger. I hate change. I want things to be as they were. Not like this.
=/
Last night I learned that my uncles battle with cancer is over. There is nothing left to do except wait and hope and pray. I had almost forgotten how it felt to hurt this badly.
I know an uncle is not a parent, but he is like a father to me. My family is very tightly knit. I was raised by him. My heart broke when my dad told me. I sobbed for hours last night. I feel so helpless. My dad is breaking. My uncle is his best friend. He is close with all of his brothers but his bond with Al is special. My father has lost both of his parents, his wife, and is now losing his best friend. It is devastating. I am terrified that he will not hang on.
Everything will change now. I am praying, hoping, for a miracle. But regardless... I have begun to realize how short life is. It has sunk in that the amazing childhood I had is over, and that if I were to ever have children they will never know what I had. They will never have these people, not in the way that I did. They will never know the beauty and perfection of my family... and this devastates me.
Preet came to Melissa's wedding with me this year. When it was all over he said to me "you have a pretty special family" and it is true, but it is fleeting.
When my mom died, my uncle stepped up for me. My aunt & uncle were there for me in ways that I cannot even explain. I have no idea how to do this for my aunt, for my cousins. He is the glue in my family, I have a feeling this will rip us apart. My moms death made us closer, this will do the opposite.
I need a miracle.
Seeing him in the hospital, with all of us gathered around... was such a familiar scene. Now I am 23 instead of 14, but I remember it like it was yesterday.
I'm bracing for the world to shatter once again. I'm glad that at least this time I grasp it.
I've been avoiding all of my friends, and they are getting mad. I don't think they grasp the gravity of the situation. I cannot explain how important my uncle is to me, how watching him fade is devastating and heartbreaking. None of my friends have ever experienced loss, so how could they possibly get it? I don't expect them to.
This is life I suppose.
And what is life without struggle?
They say that these moments will make you stronger, and while i do believe this... I don't want to be stronger. I hate change. I want things to be as they were. Not like this.
=/