(no subject)

I have been absent from blogging for so long. Perhaps because I have nothing to say. My life has become a mass of confusion. I really don't know what to do.

Last night I learned that my uncles battle with cancer is over. There is nothing left to do except wait and hope and pray. I had almost forgotten how it felt to hurt this badly.
I know an uncle is not a parent, but he is like a father to me. My family is very tightly knit. I was raised by him. My heart broke when my dad told me. I sobbed for hours last night. I feel so helpless. My dad is breaking. My uncle is his best friend. He is close with all of his brothers but his bond with Al is special. My father has lost both of his parents, his wife, and is now losing his best friend. It is devastating. I am terrified that he will not hang on.
Everything will change now. I am praying, hoping, for a miracle. But regardless... I have begun to realize how short life is. It has sunk in that the amazing childhood I had is over, and that if I were to ever have children they will never know what I had. They will never have these people, not in the way that I did. They will never know the beauty and perfection of my family... and this devastates me.
Preet came to Melissa's wedding with me this year. When it was all over he said to me "you have a pretty special family" and it is true, but it is fleeting.
When my mom died, my uncle stepped up for me. My aunt & uncle were there for me in ways that I cannot even explain. I have no idea how to do this for my aunt, for my cousins. He is the glue in my family, I have a feeling this will rip us apart. My moms death made us closer, this will do the opposite.
I need a miracle.
Seeing him in the hospital, with all of us gathered around... was such a familiar scene. Now I am 23 instead of 14, but I remember it like it was yesterday.
I'm bracing for the world to shatter once again. I'm glad that at least this time I grasp it.
I've been avoiding all of my friends, and they are getting mad. I don't think they grasp the gravity of the situation. I cannot explain how important my uncle is to me, how watching him fade is devastating and heartbreaking. None of my friends have ever experienced loss, so how could they possibly get it? I don't expect them to.
This is life I suppose.
And what is life without struggle?
They say that these moments will make you stronger, and while i do believe this... I don't want to be stronger. I hate change. I want things to be as they were. Not like this.

(no subject)

Aw man.
Canada just won the IIHJ world juniors for the 5th year in a row!
What a great game.
I love watching Junior hockey. who am I kidding.. I'm Canadian to the core, i could watch hockey all day.
I did absolutly NOTHING today. I'm snowed in. The roads were so bad last night & I got stuck on my street so I decided not to venture out today... Good thing because when I went outside there were 4 cars stuck on the street.
I was planning on going to the gym, but that was a fail... which sucks because I haven't been in FOREVER & its part of my new years resolution! MF.
I hate days like this... I feel so BLAH. I did some laundry & all the dishes, but STILL.. I wanted to go out.
Adam was BB messaging me all freaking day. Just stupid shit. Ps. does anyone know how to change the blackberry messenger ring tone? mine is this HORRID squeak thing & it won't let me change it. I've tried many times. I was ignoring him for the most part, then giving him one word answers. Karly hasn't spoken to me since their 'date'. I work tomorrow and I'm making all the new schedules for the next 4 weeks... so I'll schedule us apart. >=[. Jason hasnt even talked to me. I do not get him at all. We were supposed to go to Whistler this weekend.. but he was all whining about MONEY... but then on Facebook he RSVP'd to Jeremy's birthday which is IN WHISTLER & $200 a person, whereas we were going to pay $70? He just didn't want us to go away with Kristen. He's turned her into some weird competition. Like he'll message me just to say "I'm with Kristen" I DON'T CARE!!! I don't care if he see's her more than I do. I've seen her 3 times.. I know she has other people to see out here. It's really strange. I asked Jessica if things would go back to how they were when Kristen left and she said "probably" which kind of annoyed me. If it does I'm going to tell Jason that I'm telling Kristen about what he pulls with Jess. I'm sorry man, giving your girlfriends best friend hickeys is not really a joke.. It's pathetic & Kristen deserves better. She deserves better from Jessica too.
Man, my friends are so pathetic.
I was supposed to meet Leah for dinner tonight but the snow made that a failed mission.
She's my only sane friend I think.
I hope the snow is done. I want to go out this weekend. Even if it's just to the freaking mall. =[

(no subject)

so my dads dumb as rocks girlfriend has decided to come visit.
[ They are in a long distance relationship.
She is my dads cousins best friend... and well its hard to explain.. basically my dad travels ALL THE TIME so w/e it's not so bad for them]
She wanst to 'suprise' my extended family because she thinks we'll all be estatic to see her.
but no. Mosto f them haven't even met her. & Like ive posted about.. my fam is REALLY close. My mom is still a HUGE part of us.. we talk about her all the time. You can't justt SUPRISE THEM [esp my cousins who considered my mom their 2nd mom] with a new lady. It's just RUDE.

also, I do not like this woman at all. She tries really hard to be motherly towards me, and tries way too hard to be cute.
She talks to me like I am 5... and treats me as if i am a child. Sorry dear, i grew up a long time ago. I haven't had a mother figure for years, I don't need one now.
She also tries to give my dad parenting advice.
I'm sorry, I am 22 years old, my father can't really tell me what to do. Also, he pretty much forfeited all right he had to 'govern' when he turned to alcoholism when I was 14... and my mother died.
My dad and I have worked through it, we are now closer than most father/daughters...
He does a lot for me & I am grateful for it.. but I know that he does most of it because he feels guilty that i basically raised myself...during the toughest years of adolescense.
And i turned out damned good. I have AMAZING friends, I'm a 3rd year university student with a 3.1 GPA, I don't do drugs, I make good decisions... I'm also pretty independant.. I do my own thing.. and I'm fine with it. I don't need people to hold my hand, in fact i HATE when people do that.. and that is why most of my romantic relationships end.

It has been my dad and I for 8 years, and we have been fine. I have NO PROBLEM with her being in our lives, but SHE CANNOT CHANGE THINGS.
She told me that I'm a spoiled brat because I have everything handed to me. EXCUSE ME?
I'm obv not going to tell her about my past because it's none of her business.. and I know my dad doesn't like it when i tell people.. It was REALLY, REALLY BAD.. [and you know what? sometimes it still is. His Alcohol abuse will always be a presence in my life] but she has no right to judge me.
She also mentions my past decisions. She needs to realize that while I'm fine with her being a part of the present & possibly the future, she does not belong in my past.

She wanted me to take her to my MOTHERS grave. & she tried to talk to me about her death. WHAT RIGHT DOES SHE HAVE TO EVEN TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER?
ALSO, she made me watch this video of her and her deceased husband.. to show me that she's been 'hurt' too.
I REALIZE THIS.. but i did not need to see that video. In fact i thought it was rude and inconsiderate. & I'm sorry but she can never EVER know the pain of losing your mother at 14 & being COMPLETELY ALONE.

and then my dad told her that my mom was bi polar. AND SHE WAS, but it's a SICKNESS she couldn't help that sometimes she had bad days. she wasn't a horrible person.. & i will never EVER love my dads girlfriend the way i love my mom. I HATE when she makes judgements.

She keeps emailing me and is like "OH YOU'LL HAVE TO INTRODUCE ME TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS"
i'm getting so mad. I dont even want to BE HERE when she is.
i hate her.
I hate this
get outtttt->

(no subject)

So, I just found out that THE TREWS are doing a Canadian tour and are hitting Van on April 14th. I'm so excited. Seeing Bedouin Soundclash was amazing.. but the Trews... omg.
I can't believe how many amazing acts I have seen live recently. gsadlhasd
I'm definatly getting TREWS tickets.
I'm I'm going to try to score backstage passes.. but we'll see.
I'm freaking out beyond belief right now!


I miss Preet.
He called me last night while I was out with Kate. We used to all hang out every Monday...
He asked where I was and i said I was at BP... and he was like "oh... do we have class tomorrow" i told him no.. because class got cancelled.. but he KNEW THAT because he's the one who TOLD ME.. and he was like "oh... so i won't see you tomorrow" and i said "nope"... and he just said "oh.. okay... wellI guess I'll see you Friday for sure?"
i hate being so cold to him.. but he needs to know that I'm strong enough on my own.
.. I HATE BOYS. >=[
I'm marrying Jack Spyrek.